you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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