She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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