Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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