I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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