i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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