We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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