if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
its not stalking. its research.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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