yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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