All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Randomize
