I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
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he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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