There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
