I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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