Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
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