Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I need a beard to bite.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
