I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
