I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
