his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
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I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
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my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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