your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
