I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Randomize
