hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
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