he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
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You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
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It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
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