He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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