I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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