So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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