How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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