you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
