I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
