I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
