I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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