3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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