when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
