dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Randomize
