My girlfriend figured out who you are.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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