Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
should my penis look like a turkey
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Randomize
