U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
