just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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