Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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