So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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