My nipple is on Facebook.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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