wakey wakey hands off snakey
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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