i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
