Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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