If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
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Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
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Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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