Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
