you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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