Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
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