What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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