So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
