my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Randomize