her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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