so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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