I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
