I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
You're breaking my sexual little heart
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